The Battlefield

aka the grocery store. It's why I don't go. It's just impossible for me to be one of those happy people bopping down the aisles, singing Michael Bolton songs. For me, it's just not easy. Ever.

I avoid the store so much I have perfected the art of feeding my family for weeks on a can of Pam, a jar of grape jelly, some string cheese, and cookie dough. But once the Poptarts and Capri Sun are depleted, we have a problem. And in order to save my eardrums and my sanity, it was critical that a trip to the H-E-B be attempted. Oh yeah, and it had to be on a day when Krazy K was not at school.

We got to the store and one of the many coveted "Customer with Child" parking spots was available. Halleju- What the hell?? This man zipped right in front of me in his little BMW and stole my spot. He jumped out and ran inside. Alone. Perhaps he has 9 brats at home and felt he was entitled to park there as well. But I'm thinking the sign implies you should have a child WITH you. I circled around the parking lot, ended up parking at the end of the row, which, with the cold and the rain, a bad back, and a heavy toddler, was not giving me warm fuzzy feelings. As we walked by Mr. Better than Thou's car, I noticed the magnetic sign on the door. He was a realtor and there was his cell phone number. So I might have called it and left him a choice word. Or two. Or three.

We go inside and there she was... Over Achiever Mom. I see her everywhere, at Kathryn's preschool, at the elementary school, at Target, I wonder if she's stalking me? Unfortunately our shopping patterns were forcing us to continually meet in the middle of each aisle, after aisle after aisle. Of course her basket was loaded up with fruit and veggies, Pashi bars, bottled water, organic this and that. BLECH! I had a whole lot of powdered donuts, Poptarts, soda, Dora fruit snacks and Cheez-its. We politely said hello and continued on with our shopping, but every time she walked by me, she would try and hide a giggle.

I started to get a little steamed. So what if I was looking less than stellar? So what if I was wearing ratty jeans and an oversized sweat shirt? So what if my child had green and orange marker all over her face and 5 different colored barrettes in her hair? I'm still 10 years younger and 20 pounds lighter and I wasn't laughing at her in her grey Hanes sweatsuit.

Finally we met again in the pasta aisle. She reached for the Organic Annies whole wheat pasta with Alfredo Sauce. Which we have tried in our house. And then the kids declared mutiny, hung me over the balcony and threatened to sacrifice me to the processed cheese powder god. I barely survived, and from that day on, I have been forced to buy Kraft SpongeBob macaroni. Over Achiever Mom looked at me again and just started giggling. I was done.

I'm sorry, Over Achiever Mom, is there something funny you'd like to share with me?

Oh, I don't mean to laugh, but it's just so cute.

What?

Your hair.

My what?

Your hair, your barrettes, the two of you just look so cute!

Oh hell. Seems in my haste to get the store over with I had forgotten that while I was ignoring my child reading emails, Kathryn was fixing my hair with rainbow barrettes. The same rainbow barrettes she had fixed her own hair with. Heck, her teddy bear next to her in the basket had a rainbow barrette on each ear. I'm sure we looked quite comical. Of course if we had run into anyone else, they would have had the decency to tell me 5 aisles ago that I looked like a circus clown. But not Over Achiever Mom. No she has probably stored this away and can't wait to tell all the other moms her cute little story at the Valentines Party.

Which I'm planning. Because I'm still the room mom.

In every battle one must have a secret weapon. I'm thinking I'll wear some heart shaped barrettes.