A Painful Memory

As I sit here awake in the middle of the night, in a wee bit of pain and discomfort, it takes me back, about twelve and a half years...

I was pregnant with my first child and like any naive mother-to-be asked my midwife, "How exactly am I going to know I am in labor?"

To which she replied, "You'll know because it will be the worst pain you have ever felt in your life."

Hmm, fair enough, wow, childbirth should be great fun.

In those days my ex-husband worked very late hours as a bartender. Unfortunately we only had one car which I often kept so that I could make an occasional jaunt to Target or Baskin Robbins. It was one of those nights when I had to go and pick him up from work at 4 in the morning that I decided a trip to IHOP was in order. And since I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and sleep deprived, he did not argue.

So I blissfully stuffed my face with my quick two egg breakfast, scrambled, pancakes not toast, bacon crispy, and hashbrowns burnt and drowned in ketchup. Yes I ate it, the whole thing, all of it, even though there was only room in my stomach for half. And I was asleep in bed 15 minutes after we walked in the door.

2 hours later I was wide awake and bawling, and in an intense amount of pain. I woke Andy up and told him he better call the midwife, the baby was coming.

I ran a hot bath, hot water is my pain relief, got in and prepared to meet my child. Andy handed the phone to me so that I could tell Pat exactly what was going on.

"Amy, how are you?"

"How am I, in labor, that's how I am!"

"It's a bit early for you, are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. I think you better come over!"

"Why are you sure?"

"Because you told me I would know I was in labor when I was feeling the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, and I am feeling it now!"

"OK, can you explain to me what's going on?"

I proceeded to explain my symptoms, about how uncomfortable I was, I couldn't swallow, I had such a bad pain in my chest...

"Amy, you're not in labor, you have heartburn."

Come again?? Well, did I ever feel like a dumbass.

Especially after she did come over, checked me out, and declared me one still pregnant woman, not in labor, with a very bad case of indigestion. I had never in my life experienced heartburn, and I never wanted to experience it again. Because obviously it sucked, so bad that I was sure I was birthing a baby.

And just like every other problem that had arisen in my pregnancy, Pat gave me another natural remedy, papaya. But not the fruit itself, no papaya comes in tablet form and tastes just like candy, and it has some miraculous enzyme that works wonders on your digestive system.

And so papaya became my new best friend. I went to Whole Foods often and stocked up on rolls of it. In my next three pregnancies, I was pretty much a papaya junkie. Popping three tablets before meals, after meals, and sometimes just in between because I was NOT going to feeling that pain again.

And I didn't. I swear it is a miracle drug. Others I have told, not so much. They had resorted to TUMS and Nexium.

But now, the reason I am awake at 1 in the morning, twelve and a half years later, heartburn again. For probably only the fourth time in my life. The combination of Buffalo Wild Wings and Coldstone Creamery does not appear to be a good one. And I have no papaya, and TUMS makes me vomit. And there is no Whole Foods nearby, nor are they open 24 hours.

Ugh, I wish I was birthing a baby.