Road Rage

Did you know that there's nothing better to facilitate road rage than a drive-thru safari? On our way home from our vacation we stopped off at one and the girls were so excited. So we got our bag of free food and headed on our merry way. And we would stop to feed the animals and they would all come running right past our car. Seems the people behind us had smuggled in some illegal substances, aka corn. And who wants to eat compressed pellets of crap when you can have corn? So I was not impressed with those people. Really, how dare they deprive my three year old of the opportunity to feed a yak?

And then you can only go 5 miles an hour. And you have to deal with the people who take up the whole lane so they can spend 15 minutes feeding a zebra and allow you no room to pass. And then you get all pissed that they're hogging the zebra for one and that they just won't get out of the way. Because when you have a back up of 14 cars at a drive-thru safari, that's really not a good thing. And then you finally get to move on except the damn zebras won't get out of the way. And it's got to be against the law to hit and run a zebra, no? Or even give it a little nudge? But I did have to stop and watch this one for a bit because it just brought back memories.

I can tell you I wasn't as patient when the ostriches were standing in front of the car. I even entertained the thought of honking, several times. Is there an uglier creature on this planet? I think not. Sure they were probably just paying us back for not even having the decency to roll down the window and throw them some food. But they're mean and rude and I was all for them pecking at the jerks behind us with the corn.

I'll be the first to admit when I get in the car, my patience runs thin, very quickly. I don't have a whole lot of faith in my fellow driver and I'm quite certain they have all been put on this earth to tick me off. So sometimes I exhibit a bit of road rage. Not the kind where I'm gonna hunt you down and kick your a$$ for cutting me off three miles back. No, just the kind where I scream profanities and talk about what an effing moron or dumb jacka$$ you are and grace you with a friendly one finger wave, all for the entertainment of my children. Riding in the car with mom can be soooo much fun!

The other day when we were sitting waiting for the longest train ever, I'm not kidding, I swear there were at least 577 cars, I was huffing and puffing and squirming, and from the back seat comes the sweetest voice saying "freakin' a$$hole."

And my mom looked at me and I was ashamed. Because it was obvious where she got it from. And I couldn't even play it off like it was her dad's fault because she enunciated it exactly the way I do. And as much as I wanted to reprimand Krazy K, I couldn't because sometimes there is just something so dang funny about a kid cussing and I couldn't stop laughing! Yes, I know, shame on me.

Then another day I was yelling one of my favorites, "Dude find your gas, it's next to your brake!"

And Kathryn pipes up from the backseat, "And find your brain too!" Priceless. And I'm so using it.

And when we were driving in Galleria traffic at lunchtime on Friday (because I like to torture myself) Kathryn and Emma had it down pat.

Listen car you better move or my mom's gonna yell at you.

Yeah you better get out of the way.

You're the dumbest driver ever.

Can you go any slower?

Really, what shade of green are you waiting for?

Seriously they'll let anyone get a license.

And all I could think was that I am creating little monsters and thank God they still have over 10 years before they start driving!