I admit that I am not a sappy gal.
But lately, I've been wrestling with some feelings. You see, it's hitting me that my babies are growing up. And as I sat in the car pool line yesterday morning and watched Kathryn skip up to her preschool class, with her giant backpack on, and not turn around and wave goodbye, I teared up a bit. She's my last one. And next year, she'll be gone every day.
At my MOPS meeting today, there were babies. And babies, and more babies. The heart and the uterus started aching a little. Because I'm done. And I thought I was okay with being done, but lately it's been hitting me that maybe I'm not okay with it. My mom and I talked about it a bit and she was completely right when she told me no matter how many kids I have, when the baby goes, the baby goes, and it won't get any easier if I have another one because that one will too grow up and move on.
So I've been dealing with the realization that there will be no more babies for me. It's actually been a realization for a while seeing as someone had a little procedure a few years back. When I thought I was sure.
Kathryn and I went for our weekly lunch at Pei Wei, one of the many things I'm going to miss when she starts kindergarten. We were sitting there, laughing and talking, and playing war with the chopsticks and this song came on. This song, that I've only heard a couple of times, that makes me freaking lose it each and every its played:
As I sat there in the middle of lunch hour, tears rolling down my cheeks, patrons and employees looking curiously on, I grabbed my sweet girl and hugged her close to me and wished my other babies were there as well. And realized that I am not wanting another baby, I am wanting the babies I already have. And started thinking that I really need to dance, giggle, color, dress up, jump, swing, kiss, hug, snuggle, etc. a lot more. Before they're gone.
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4 months ago
19 comments:
Amy. Darn you.
I love this song and it's even more poignant now after the loss of his daughter.
I was just looking at Princess this morning and thinking the same thing. When did they grow up so quickly? *sigh*
She and I are snuggling and listening and watching this now. thank you for this moment with my daughter.
So funny, we just had a role reversal. I was crying because I screwed something up and Isabelle assured me that it wasn't a big deal and it was okay. And I thought that I was doing right by her, and could imagine what great friends we would be as she grew.
Darn it, indeed. I'm crying now, Amy. I know exactly what you mean, and it hurts. It's the best hurt I've ever known, though.
Great song! I also highly recommend, "In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride & "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlise - YouTube them..but have a Kleenex close by! :)
Kelly
kelly-j-parker@uiowa.edu
Awww, sweetie. I know we talked about you considering wanting another one. I hope you feel better with your decision that you are FOR SURE done.
Ugh.
Sniff.
Snivle.
Sigh.
I've never heard that song.
Lump in throat.
I used to love Stephen Curtis Chapman when I was in high school but haven't listened to him much since then. What a gorgeous song.
I'm not sure I will ever be able to say I am done with kids. But I think what you mother said is so wise, and I know I probably needed to hear that too. Although, I'm still not ready to say I'm done. ;)
Okay Amy, you're tearing me up! I gotta go give my babies some lovin'!
Gulp. It's hard to believe how fast they grow up. I just came back from my son's cardiology appointment and we were talking about his next heart surgery (which we're hoping will not be until he's a teenager) and I said something about how far off it is, and the doctor said, "Not really". Uh, thanks doc!
I cant hear the song at work..what song is it?!?!
What a beautiful post..so real and true. Now I need to go pick up my one and only baby who will be 6 next week and LOVE on him!!!
Ugh...thanks for making me cry. I completely understand. My daughter started kindergarten this year and we both cried for a week.
I so wish I could hold on to the actual physical feeling of holding my kids. I love the smell and the warmth of them. I love how every holiday is more special because of them.
sniffle.
awww.. I know how you feel my little diva is growing up so fast and I know I can't have more but now I have been double guessing that. Loved your post you are so right I just need to stop and enjoy the ones I have!
Oh and that song.....well I still have tears in my eyes as I am typing this!
Maybe I needed to read this...I'll try to remember to hug my daughters tomorrow..even when they poop in their panties and don't want to sit on the potty!
This is a beautiful song, and a beautiful reminder of what we need to cherish!
That's not fair!
My girl turns five in January and I'm having a crazy hard time accepting that she is growing up and no longer a baby. This is a great post- reminding us all that we need to cherish every moment.
You gave me tears so early in the morning... This makes me sad. But remember at the same time to not take moments for granted. You are such an awesome mom!
I guess onions and the Longhorns aren't the only things that can make me cry anymore. This is so prophetic; NukeGirl(5) and I are supposed to go to our first Father/Daughter dance in a couple of months. I'll help her practice. ;)
Sometimes I tease Riley that I need a hug right now or I'm going to die. It's only a slight exaggeration.
Dammit! I've never heard this song before, and here I am, at work, tears streaming down my face like an idiot. But I feel you. I think every mom does.
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